Contest winner!

Jack from NJ is, hands-down, the winner of yesterday's contest. Granted, he was the only contestant, but something tells me he would have easily withstood the challenge of 100 outraged grammarians. Here's his analysis, in all of its snarky glory.

“Another attack on board a city bus.”
This is a sentence fragment. I guess the whole “subject” and “predicate” thing escaped this journalistic genius who has chosen to write in the English language for a living.

“This time, a bus driver is assaulted by a group of kids.”
While glaringly obvious to those of us who actually passed the second grade, this assault “is” not occurring in the present. The correct verb tense is therefore the past tense, thus, “This time, a bus driver was assaulted by a group of kids.” What is a group? Exactly how many is “a group?”
Is it like a flock, a gaggle, a herd, a few, or a few dozen?

“It happened sunday afternoon at 39th and Greenmount in North Baltimore.”
I think we all actually learned to capitalize the days of the week in the first grade. Also, while I recognize that “39th and Greenmount” is a colloquial description of that intersection, if I were editing, I would ask, “39th what? Did you mean, ‘39th green house on the right” or “39th Street?”

“Police tell us the kids were playing around on the bus and threw some kind of liquid on the driver.”
“Kids” is such a funny term. It can mean eight year olds tossing around some water balloons while headed home from the park to watch cartoons. It can also mean twenty-one year old newly minted alcoholics hopped up on some PCP laced green tossing around some of their own Jack Daniel’s inspired vomit. Did we bother to ask what the Po-lice meant while we were speaking to the District? Oh, and while we’re at it, did we bother to ask what kind of liquid? Which Po-lice did this information come from? Was it our brave MTA Transit Police or Baltimore City’s Finest? Inquiring minds want to know. Investigative journalist you’re not.

“The driver called for help.”
Who did the driver call? Did she call her mommy? Did she plead for help from the passengers?
Did she dial 9-1-1? Did she contact her dispatcher by radio and get some indolent, hour delayed response from an apathetic supervisor? Give us the facts, Jimmy Olsen, just the facts.

“She was taken to the hospital as a precaution.”
Who is “she”? Is “she” the driver? This would be known in the more popular grammatical circles as a “misplaced pronoun.” In a different light, who is “she?” Is “she” a sixty year old matriarchal grandma or a twenty-one year old champion kickboxer who drives a bus on the side for the thrill of the danger involved? Paint us a picture, oh Picasso of the printed page. Not to sound repetitive, but did we bother to ask which hospital? Shall we ASS-U-ME that “she” was not injured? How long was she in the hospital? Was she admitted? Was she treated and released? Was she shipped to the burn center? These are the tough questions that come from a tough beat reporter.

“Police arrested all of the kids involved.”
Was it the State Police maybe? The City Sheriff? OK, we’re still pondering that one. Was it Unlawful Possession of a Water Balloon that resulted in the wagon ride? Felonious Mopery with Intent to Gawk, perhaps? Or was it something more run-of-the-mill and recognizable, like, say, assault or weapons possession or disorderly conduct? Or should we all consult our FOX News Home News Crystal Ball? Too bad my subscription has lapsed, or I would have all of these answers!