First-degree awesomeness

Awwwyeaah. Some lucky jurors today are enjoying the deets of Carl Snowden's latest case*-- you know, the one where he was smoking a blunt in a car parked in Druid Hill Park with the windows down in the company of a sex offender? (As opposed to the case where he was driving drunk, or the other case where he was driving drunk, or the case before that when he was driving drunk.) Apparently fearing the infinitesimal possibility that a city jury could be found that would give half a sweet goddamn, Snowden hired as his lawyer Stuart Simms, who was the State's Attorney pre-Jessamy and who, as it happens, the judge once worked for. So basically they'll work out a plea deal to sentence Snowden to a round of Jager shots at the Sidebar and probation supervised by topless models.

Brian Maye, 22, was arrested and charged with abducting and raping a 13-year-old who was walking along Edmonson Avenue on November 9. Also, a 13-year-old girl was snatched off the street and raped and her attacker was still running around free for five days, but the police didn't think anyone would want to know about that or are already operating on the assumption that there's probably at least one 20-something man driving around and raping young women in the city at any given time.

The ATF is driving around arresting 24 sundry members of a gun-n-drug operation (wouldn't you want to save that announcement until after you've arrested them?)

One Tarslia Jackson was found guilty of assaulting a 71-year-old woman in her care at the Northwest Nursing and Rehabilitation Center, and was sentenced to probation and a $35 contribution

Smokin Snowden's boss, Doug Gansler (and some other lawyers) squeezed a $90 million settlement out of lyin-ass drug dealers GlaxoSmithKline

A hand on Hedgepocket Way*